Man In My Mirror

I
took a sip of my coffee and smoked. Nothing beats the feeling that coffee and
cigarette bring me. For a brief moment it made the assiduous world halt and
gave me an opportunity to unthink. It brought me to Christmas.

The Philippines is known to be celebrating the Christmas season the longest. As soon as the
suffix ber attaches itself to the
month, Christmas carols start playing over the airwaves. The countdown begins
on television. And the temperature slowly drops specially at night. But from in
between September and December, there are still a few holidays being
celebrated. Thus, there is a confusion on when does Christmas season truly
begin for us – Filipinos.

I
have different ways on telling when it is Christmas. And these ways have
changed through the years. I remember when I was a child that Christmas is here
when the annual Christmas Cheers presentation starts on our town plaza in
Bicol. When I was studying it is Christmas as soon as we start planning for our
class’ Christmas party. During college days, I started to feel the Christmas
spirit as soon as the university has announced the stat of the Christmas
vacation. Now, that I am already working, I have realized that my realization
of the Christmas season is awfully late. Maybe because unlike before, nowadays,
I have very limited vacation days for the holidays and my mind is always
preoccupied with the countless tasks that I have to finish. It made me think.
As I sip the warm coffee and consume my cigarette, I thought about how we
really tell when Christmas has begun. The yellow light of the coffee shop I am
in gave just the right dim for my wandering mind. And as my coffee touched my
lips realizations pour in.

Halloween is over. The most celebrated holiday before Christmas is
really Halloween. All the Christmas consciousness seems to stop a few weeks
before Halloween. Themes of the dead black and darkness surround us all as we wait
for November 1. But the day after Halloween, everything shifts back to
Christmas. And there is no stopping it this time.

Six in the evening is already dark. Don’t you just notice that starting from the month of
September, the sun slowly shies away. The days are shorter and the nights seem
longer. I go to work at night and my shift starts at 8pm. Last week I woke up
and panicked because it is already dark. I though I overslept but when I
checked the time it’s just 6pm. For a few days I get that shock every time I
open my eyes to respond on my dependable alarm clock’s call.

Nights are unmistakenly colder. It is so good to sleep these days. The pillows are
colder and the blanket’s warmth compliments it well that you just feel lying on
the bed and not wanting to get up. This gets me into trouble at work. The bed
and the pillows are so inviting that it is a great effort to get up. Soon we
will notice that everyone has a jacket handy when they go out at night.

Malls and even sari-sari stores are
filled with Christmas decorations.
Maybe we have not yet decorated our homes for the holidays but Christmas decors
are everywhere. Malls are filled with Christmas trees and wreaths. Rustan’s in Makati looks like a giant
gift waiting to be opened. Even sari-sari stores have Christmas lights and the
infamous paper décor that exclaims MERRY CHRISTMAS AND A HAPPY NEW YEAR. Even
the plants and the trees are adorned with lights.

Television commercials have Christmas
themes. The idiot box starts to adapt
Christmas on their shows. May it be tele-novelas or gag shows. Even commercials
and print ads.  I always look forward to
PLDT’s Christmas commercial. It is very Flipino. May kurot sa puso. I also
enjoy the TV Networks’ Christmas ID.

Singers release Christmas Albums. It’s the time of the year when you visit a local
music store and find Lea Salonga’s Christmas album repackaged. I love her
Christmas album her crisp, clear voice singing holiday tunes and capturing the
spirit in the melody. Other singers that I care less about also start promoting
their own holiday albums. Radios start airing more and more classic and new
Christmas songs. Last week I even began downloading Christmas songs realizing
that I have lost all when I reformatted my hard drive. And now, my iPod ( actually it was my sister’s)
has two new playlists: Paskong Poreyn and Paskong Pinoy. I regularly play them
on my way to work or whenever I am traveling. My favorites are: The Christmas
song and My Grown-up Christmas list both by Lea Salonga, Hark the Heralds Angel
Sing and Oh Holy night sung by Mariah Carey, Payapang Daigid sung by Regine
Velasquez, Ryan Cayabyab and the Philippine Madrigal Singers. I am currently
looking for the classic Filipino Pasko songs like Mano po Ninong, Man po Ninang
and Himig Pasko. Hopefully I’ll find Lani Misalucha’s version because I also
like her voice.

Cofeeshops begin serving their Christmas
Season mixes. Convergys Commonwealth Building has Starbucks
Coffee on the Upper Ground Floor. Before I usually drop by to order White
chocolate Moccha or Caramel Affrogato. These are my favorite coffee drinks. But
lately I have grown tired of drinking them. Then last week, or was it the other
week – my memory fails me – I have seen that their cups have changed and that
just means they now have their Christmas mixes. I love Toffee Nut the most. And
they have their sticker promo again. I am not really a big fun of it. What I
will do with a planner, I thought. But my friends for some reasons unknown to
mankind are excited about it. Last year,
one of my friends got two. Imaging how many coffee she drank to get it. Whew.

Christmas bonus is near. Whooopeeee!!! This is really the time of year that I
love the most. Convergys usually give out our 13^th month pay on the
first week of December and as soon as November started, everyone on the floor
is excitedly anticipating it. Of course that includes me. And with the bonus
near, people cannot help but think of the…

Gifts to give on Christmas. Admit it! You have already begun thinking about the
gifts that you shall be giving on Christmas. and of course the gift that you
would like to receive as well. One
Saturday, my sister even asked me what give I have in mind for her. I could not
really think of any and she said she wanted a watch. So be it. I shall give her
a watch. I am also thinking of buying my mother one. She has always blatantly
expressed that she needs a new one. But that is not my problem. The hardest
person to give gifts to is my father. I cannot buy him clothes or pants or
shoes or the likes because he is too picky. He has rules on clothing. Absolutely
no long sleeves. Damn! I want to see him in long sleeves. Believe me I have
already bought him some and he never wore them. The sleeves of hi shirts must
be one inch above the elbow. Pants and jeans should be this and that. Shoes
must be like this. GOODNESS. When I was in college I usually bought him paper
weights that he could use in the office. Last year I bought him a wrist watch
which my mother – I think – got jealous of which prompted her to always say
that she needed a new one as well. Which
I also speculate the basis of my sister for asking a wrist watch this
Christmas. Well, until now I have no idea what to give to my Dad so please post
in the comments whatever suggestions you have.

Sometimes
we need these changes to realize that the season has already shifted. I myself
get drowned and buried by my personal and professional responsibilities that I
barely recognize the changes. Funny but a week ago I felt that it was still
summer. These changes serve as tell-tales of the goings on around us. But I
have also thought that these things are considerably small and categorically
insignificant to get our attention that it is already Christmas.

As
I bring down my coffee to the table, I felt a light jump on my stomach. It is
one of those feelings when I have realized that I have not realized something
that has already been swimming around me. It is the same feeling I had
yesterday when I looked at the calendar and saw December at the lower right
portion of the page indicating that it is the succeeding month. I remember
earlier that evening when I was at the smoking area and I said to my friend
that I smell something in the air. Something that I very well know but at that
moment I cannot identify. It is Christmas. Christmas is in the air. That sweet
scent. The light fuzzy feeling that embraces us. The touch that our busy and
occupied minds could not comprehend but our hearts completely understands.

I,
again, took a sip of my coffee and smoked. Nothing beats coffee and cigarettes.
Nothing beats the things it makes me realize: Christmas starts at the moment we
feel it.

I
did. Just now.

November
12, 2007

Miguelin
Apartment

Realizing
Christmas.

Hey! Someone called.

i turned my head

to see a blue shirt

a familiar torso I’ve known for years

a body I’ve avoided

the color, the color

the waist even more

i knew it

i know it.

damn i still do.

i do.

Hey! Someone called.

and i again heard the song

“I Remember The Boy” resonated everywhere

drowned deep into nothingness

the voice, the voice

the tone even more

i knew it

i know it

damn i still do

i do.

Hey! Someone called.

and there’s my dream

cut short; forbidden

standing in full might

where there was an end; now I start from scratch

the face, the face

the person even more

i knew it

i know it

i still do

Damn! I do!

Hey! Someone called.

Hey! I replied.

October 26, 2007

Miguelin Apartment

Creating a little drama again.

I step out of the blue cab

That flew me to

Stepford County

With all courage I

Could muster my

Feet head towards

Where my heart points to

There it was —

143
  U STREET.

A dead end.

8:02am Manila Time

September 3, 2007

Miguelin Apartment

Struggling again. Inspired by Anne Sexton.

Understand this:

Ze rgjgtmkrthkezsrtb

Zdvav erggersa segsggr.

Do you know what it means?

A kid who knows the ABC

Would have answered

A year ago.

Think! Think!

Give some effort for god’s sake.

It is much simpler than the

Abstract painting mounted

On the barren, meaningless walls

Of the art gallery you frequent.

It is much easier to understand

Than James Joyce.

Don’t disappoint me

Though you’re beginning to

Though I have known

Since sunrise

That the entire day is

A waste

Hah! You fool.

A bastard child who

Knows everything.

With head swelling and heavy

Yet insufficient.

Fool! Fool!

In the head the

Answer lies not

It is hidden on your

Deserted skins, somewhere in the Sahara

Scoop each sand and examine them.

Oh! A waste this is.

Pathetic and drowsy.

Right.

Correct.

Go ahead.

Understand yourself.

3:58am  Manila Time

September 6, 2007

Miguelin Apartment

Please sleep

Like a child in one’s bosom

In slumber exist

Be wild and free

Run through the woods

Adrift in dreams

Fly high in wings

To the long, long,

Long way home

That will never be

That can never be.

8:22pm Manila Time

Malacaman Apartment

Thinking about Sleeping

I have to clean our apartment.

My place has always been topsy-turvy since eversince. From
my room back in Bicol, to our apartment when I was in college, the rooms I have
occupied when I transferred here in

Manila

and now, the apartment my sister and I share.

Since my awareness of things, people and situation has been
developed, I
vividly remember that it is my foremost challenge to keep my
things neat and orderly. I am a little obsessive-compulsive, though some of my
friends say that I am indeed OC-OC, I have never developed the compulsion to
clean.

Let me give you an insight. As I write, there are two cups
on the right side of my monitor. One has coffee and the other one has cold
water. My overflowing ashtray sits on the left side together with my handy
Marlboro Menthol and my green lighter. I have thought of throwing away all the
cigarette
butts but since now it has never materialized. I am sitting on our
plastic sofa rather than using my PC chair. I love sitting on it while writing
or watching movies. It is roomy and comfortable. The three throw pillows on it
provide cushion on my back when I am surfing the internet and of course as
pillows when I take a short nap. The television is on and is tuned in to ETC
but I am not watching or listening. I just love to have a sound around me. I
hate listening to the occasional buzz of our water pump or the resounding sound of silence. It makes me think of ghosts and monsters who could be at my back
ready to strangle me any time. On my right side stands a plastic – I do not
really know what it is called but it’s a total mess. My sister and I just put
things there. I see her hair iron, my cap, a bottle of Coca-cola, my digicam,
wires, chargers and cigar boxes – which for some reasons unknown to mankind and
I’m a human being thus I do not know – that I have not thrown away. At my back,
there lies bedlam. I need not see to know. It is the same sight as it has
always been. The clean laundry from last week is still there. I am actually not
sure if it is still clean. Oh I hope it still is. Our dining table is
practically un-usable. bags are in there, shades, my sister’s accessories,
wrist watches, my sister’s make-ups, a towel, wheat bread and the meatloaf I
cooked a few hours ago.  I shall not go
to my bedroom because I absolutely have no idea where to start. The only part
of our house that is categorically clean is the kitchen. Of course it has a few
unwashed dishes.

If our parent were here, they would be totally horrified –
again! My OC-OC

aunt would totally faint at our situation. You know, I actually
like when they are here. Yes, they clean the house. The floor is shiny, the
curtains are clean, all the things are orderly and most of all, we have very
good food. The last part is somewhat a disadvantage to me because I always end
up eating too much.

I had the drive to clean from watching television. Half an
hour ago I watched
Oprah the show featured tips on how to clean the house and
maintain it. I actually did not pay attention but the thought lingered in my
mind. I searched the internet for some tips and passed by a website that has an
article called “15 Minute Cleanups for Every Room.” Let me share to you the
article. By the way, I am pasting it verbatim so I apologize if it has a
copyright.

“15 Minute Cleanups
for Every Room.”

1. Grab your
supplies.

This is the
most important step. Having all of your supplies together before you begin
means no distractions in the middle of cleaning up. Everything is handy when
you need it.

2. Put all items
that do not belong in the living room in a container.

Do not try to
pick up each item and place it where it belongs. Even if you don’t get
distracted you will waste time running to all ends of the house multiple times.

3. Tackle the
couch.

Brush off the
cushions. Retrieve any missing items from the depths of the couch. Brush off
the dirt from the interior of the couch onto the floor. Replace and fluff the
pillows.

4. Dust down the
coffee table and arrange its contents properly.

The goal here
is to quickly brush off the table and neatly stack its contents. We’re not
shining the furniture meticulously, or alphabetizing coffee table books.

5. Neatly arrange
the magazines and books.

Don’t try to
weed out magazines and books that you’ve been thinking about storing or
tossing. Just arrange them neatly and move on.

6. Vacuum or sweep
up the floor.

Don’t move
furniture to do so. Don’t try to vacuum the pillows and couch. Leave these more
in depth items for when you have more time. Do, however, remember to get the
dirt we brushed out of the interior of the couch.

7. Put away your
dust rag and vacuum or broom.

  8. Take a few moments to enjoy, and take
some time for yourself.

I find this article very interesting. And I believe it is
very helpful. It provides a specific instruction on how to clean up. I strongly
feel that if I followed what it says, our apartment shall always be clean and
neat. I specially like step number 8. I
guess I shall skip steps 1-7. Hehe!

Happy cleaning!!!

July 9, 2007

11:04am Manila Time

Malacaman Apartment

Thinking about cleaning and consistently thinking about it.

22 June 2007

Dear Blog,

It’s me.

I hope you would find in the
haystack of memories my minute existence. I apologize for my absence. Another
one on the long list of absences I have committed. It has been a long while. So
many things have happened. So many circumstances have consumed me. Some
mattered. A lot I thought did.

The long way home was a bumpy
trek to say the least. There were countless emotional highs and lows. But it
was generally neutral. Or so I guess. Or so I have made myself feel it to be. You
know me. I tend to withdraw. I always have a wall to conceal what is truly
happening. The funniest thing is I, myself, have a blurred understanding of
everything. It is my complications dominating again. Or the way I see and make
things complicated as what my friends say. I am a drama king. I cannot help it.

In these two paragraphs I have
written so far, you could clearly see what I mean about complications and
drama.

I have mostly consumed my time
getting a good grip of my new role. As of the
very second I am typing this
character, I still am. I guess it is meant this way. Life is designed this way.
We never get to find complete understanding and comfort. Every moment passing
by we get to encounter things, thoughts and people that would make us evaluate
and re-evaluate ourselves, our actions, our plans and our beliefs. You are
right: life is a work in progress.

I am in a better place nowadays.
Although I could not tell what tomorrow brings. 

I wonderful to be experiencing
you again. You never fail to bring me ease. Thank you.

Again, I would like to make a
strong point that I have not forgotten you. I also hope that you shall find a
second to remember me.

It’s me. An old friend.

Jun

Epistolary
5:59pm
Manila Time
Miguelin Apartment

There I lay

On the pile of broken glasses

As I seek refuge

On its sharp blades

I hope to find pain

That is more painful

Than the one lingering within

But the blades I lay on

Are not a bit harder

Nor sharper

Than the soothing softness

Of the green grasses of spring

Fresh from the life given

By the midnight rain

And I continue to water

My bed of broken glasses

With a dripping

Red fluid that I find

So hard to drain.

5:52pm

August 16, 2004

Santonia Apartment

You speak of words
so short and simple
like saying:
kiss my ass!
fuck you hard!
calculating words,
lingering effect
consume your head
in sweet agony
storytelling
by actions,
circumstances,
and situations
dig deep mongrel reader
your senescent mind
fails you
strained comprehension
struggling understanding
about the unspoken
dear bastard child
escape from your
senile box
that is
the world
take a refuge
on your decayed
retreat
in its madness
is a spring
of pure, pure
happiness
cradling you
to a deep slumber
and hear your
whore mother
sing a hoarse lullaby
which you
genuinely like
bringing back
your innocence
your ignorance
and you sleep
sleep
sleep
forever.

5:59am Manila Time
February 17, 2007
Miguelin Apartment
Musings and Subconscious Writing

in the darkness
i wait
for a small star
to light
and break the
pitch-black sky
with its tiny spark

a child anticipating
for an elusive
hope to start
wishing that
tonight
that star will
come down
and be with me
tonight.

1:30am Manila Time
February 13, 2007
Miguelin Apartment
Musings from the Training Room